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Catalyst

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[05 Feb 2016|12:15pm]
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[05 Feb 2016|11:05am]
Okay. Wow! <3 Have not had to vent in here for ages(still don't, weird right?)

On my meds.

Been off meth- and all things bad for me for like 2 fucking years now.


More friends than I ever had


Freedom freedom freedom!


adventures- shenanigans- awesomeness- expanding ideas and etching out the black and white concepts drilled into all of us through years of mind numbing manipulation...



but holy crap! in a real life full functioning happy relationship with one of my best friends!!




This man has changed my life!!!



Scott is so sane- gentle funny family oriented- his daughter- is one of my closest friends- she is so sweet andnice- we just found her a kitten:-)



its cute and black and fluffy and bender and reeses are spitting jealous of it- but meh- umm so i take of it while shes at school and when she is home she takes over feeding caring, loving it lol.


so i havent been on my journal- because i am happy- still but i just thought id drop a line and say im alive!



adios awesome peoples!

-Jacquie
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[27 Mar 2015|04:14pm]
Been clean since July 21st or earlier of last year! well off meth at least. so it figures almost an entire year since I quit that I lose my root canal cap to my frigging tooth. *Sad face* Still with Scott. I do not associate with trip or any of my old druggie "friends/fiends" And I am so happy! Been on my Zoloft just about months or more! Been happy way longer.


Things are great! me and Scott, we don't fight. which is awesome he doesn't hit me he doesn't yell like trip he treats me with decency and no more set alarms that go off every 5-15 minutes, no more mean people I am not trapped in a room with someone who doesn't let me talk or say anything other than "Yes,"or"No," or,"I will get that for you," no more bailing people out of jail! No more borrowing money!

Lost a good friend Josh awhile back. For whatever reason(probably my fault-who knows) A-Josh won't speak to me-Block me on all his profile, deleted me from live journal(people do this a lot to me- I do things that piss people of a lot) I miss him. But upon growing up a bit I have tried to understand he does not have to talk to me if he does not want to.

No street drama, or whatever just have had to move on. Have had to do it with quite a lot of things-will keep doing it I suppose as time goes on.And that is okay with me!

My lungs have healed most of the way but I still hear cracking when i breathe because when I smoked meth before I quit it.

(I used to hold it in for a long ass time(I guess that was a fiend behavior)
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blah [02 Dec 2014|08:59pm]
i miss you....
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[09 Oct 2014|02:06am]
Smiling with deceitful gleam locked within your eyes
wishing that I could take a magic marker and erase my past
It is just that nothing ever truly lasts!
so many tests and hurdles
As if I could ever be more than a one night stand
Just a way to waste time
Or a notch on your belt
So, never mind what I felt
Because within the span of one day
Of negative and false candor
it has dissipated
Only to reappear as an infectious
All too often painful spread of lies
As love dies
it has given no plausible excuse for the mess it has left behind.




Fuck you!!!
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[07 Aug 2014|07:46am]
10410505_702499323137372_2894088417859071380_n



Well this is weird. . .


Freedom!

(It's been forever and I am still not out of the woods yet) 'o.O'


Okay!

So shit getting real!

Recently people are coming out of the "wood work", fighting for my affections.What fresh hell is this?

.

What could it possibly be that is so great about me and what do they want? ha ha cha! cha!

Not sure?

(I do not like it)


They (male and female alike)

-yes both genders have been fighting for my affections Question. Actually a lot of them! Is it to use me for selfish reasons?

I forgot how popular a, "commodity" I used to be.

(insert eye roll here)

*blink* *Blink*



I don't feel as if I am a person to anyone- maybe I am just meant to be just entertainment- a life support system for a cunt and a punching bag to most.

(insert scream here < Ahh-hhh-hhh-hh-hhh! >

Sometimes wish that I could scan people like at the grocery store so I would know if they have gone bad.




see that is all anyone thinks I am good for. so fucking mad right now. >.< grr!

I am a human being! (scene from, "The elephant man", plays on the secret movie screen that is my mind.)
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[05 Aug 2014|12:18pm]
surrounded by would rapists and people who want everything i have. you wont get me this time LEAVE ME ALONE! dont deserve to be treated as im nothing more than a husk of life support system for a cunt.forget my appearance forget im a girl if you cant do that. than pretend i dont exist. ill be dead to you.

i wanna live free of fear. it hurts.YOU ALL NEED TO AHAMED OF YOURSELVES! im a victim of rape and beatings by own bf. stop it. just stop it. youre life sucks. mine does too lets be friends and not enemies. pick some one else IAM NOT THE ONE QUIT DIALING MY NUMBER , "SO-TO-SPEAK" OMG GOT THIS PRESENT LIKE IT TILL I REALIZED THE DAMN THING ON THE END IS SHAPED LIKE A DILDO IM GONNA SCREAM. GOOD TRIUMPHS WHEN DO NOTHING. DO SOMETHING GOOD. NOT EVIL BE A HERO NOT A ZERO.
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on a lighter note [18 Jul 2014|09:34am]
please kill me.
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so my exboyfriend of 6-7 years is banging my sister [11 May 2011|09:26am]
only a mth after dumping me.


thank god for zoloft or id be going out of my mind.


im going to go get high and forget about this bullshit.


bye.
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de ja vu [18 Dec 2010|10:48am]
in 2 weeks ill be homeless again.


bah humbug.
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my kitten gizmo [06 Nov 2010|11:12am]
died of   Hypoglycemic  shock.

i am pretty sad over the whole thing-

he was only 5 weeks old
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My birthday is in like in 2 weeks... [04 Mar 2010|07:21am]
[ mood | Incomplete ]

I'll be 28


And I feel as if I will always be a mediocre loser.


I want more than just a monotonous desk job that eats away at me day after day.

Week after week.


I am lucky


Yeah, okay.

Fine



Still. . . Is it greedy to strive for more?


I would like to go to college(I've been singing that same tune for 4 years now though)

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So a fight broke out today [20 Sep 2009|10:25am]
I am supposed to write out my perspective on it since the entire damn thing is really my fault anyhow.


I dont even get how shit like this happens.


Blah hopefully today will be better once i get my room.
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How is it . . . [09 Apr 2009|05:56pm]
[ mood | Incredulous ]

That some of the most horrific and outrageous crimes-

Have been done in the name of "God" ?

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Worst hang over . . . [04 Jan 2009|08:47am]
[ mood | tired ]

Ever.


Moving on:



Simon's birthday party was awesome last night.

I'll go into more detail when my head isn't pounding like a jack hammer.

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Holy monkey balls! [04 Apr 2008|08:55pm]
It's been forever since I've written in here. . . Time has passed and alot of things are quite different. . .



In some ways things have remained the same. It's just hard to say at this point...What I'd like to do with my life.



I used to have all these plans of going to college and doing this or that...Seems like a far away dream now that i think of it.




On a different and more frivolous note:



My friend Nicola hates my guts but wont admit it.


She just came over to my friend Justin's house(They kinda sorta are dating) and was all in tears.


She's pregnant.


Pregnant poeple are a different species of woman I've never encountered before . everything can and will most likely trigger tears/anger/emotionsof extreme pyscho demeanor


so anyways she starts bawling her head off crying about how justin doesnt love her yadda- saying i can sleep with him if i want.. im like dude?


ummm im just chilling till he gets back were just friends- That she should calm down. The next few minutes are filled with one very emotionally raw nicola crying in my arms while i reassure her for the trillionth time im not interested in sleeping with justin>.<



i dont even know dude.



it was crying cause she had only 15 min till work and it took all my strength and will power to coax her into calming down so she could head off to work while trying to convey the idea she shouldn't be mad at justin.



Anyways now Iam just kicking back with a bowl.





This crap is exhausting.





That is all.
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[23 Dec 2006|12:14pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]

      Sometimes I wonder how I get myself into the situations I have  been in as of late. I mean really... Poeple, is it so much to ask that guys every once in a while notice what great brain I have . . .  Instead of thinking with their penises all the time??


(Insert classic eye roll here)



I  mean:


                  >.< HELLO POEPLE!! I  AM ENGAGED!!!    Damn it!!   >.<

Any hoo for listening to my whiny rant here's a funny picture:-D


Have a great day poeple!


2 comments|post comment

Today is good... [06 Nov 2006|03:40pm]
[ mood | loved ]

 I love my Keithie Pie! :-D  In just a month it'll be our 2 year anniversary. and I can imagine life without him:-D Things are going swimmingly.

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[25 Jun 2005|05:35am]
You dont want to know what iam thinking
in fact sometimes id like to shut my mind off
but yet it keeps churning away
with thoughts of you and why it is you cant stay
ill admit it- iam not whole as a person
iam cracked in certain places
maybe i was too hopeful youd fill in the gaps
you always were great at filling the void
for just a little while
i bet you think iam cruel and i lack a soul
youre wrong-i just like the pain a bit too much
cant get too close to poeple
so youd better stay away-youre better off without me
dragging you down-ill just find my way out of this town
just to get away, for a little while
clear my head just for the time being and start off fresh
maybe then we can come to some conclusion about this whole fiasco...
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[15 Mar 2005|09:17am]
Today is my birthday...and i dont feel a damn bit older,
i thought maybe i might feel some sort of "mystical"
difference, but i dont. I just feel blank...So yay for today...
My birthday-ceaser died on this day - and so the saying
goes,"Beware the Ides of March" Yes, indeed luck is surely
on my side today...




Stolen from:chris210150


What Would You do if...
I cried:
I said I liked you:
I kissed you:
I was hospitalized:
I ran away from home:
I got in a fight and you were there:
I got dumped:
I pissed you off:
I was gay or a lesbian:

What Do You Think Of My...
Personality:
Eyes:
Face:
Hair:
Clothes:
Voice:
Humor:
Choice of music:
Mannerisms:
Family:
Friends:
Decisions:

Would You...
Be my friend:
Tell me the truth no matter what:
Lie to make me feel better:
Spread rumors about me:
Keep a secret if I told you one:
Loan me some cash:
Hold my hand:
Take a bullet for me:
Keep in touch:
Try and solve my problems:
Love me:
makeout with me:
hold me in times of need:
Have sex with me:
Ditch me:
Use me:
Date me:
Rape me:
Beat me up:
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